How much teachers SHOULD be getting paid

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I can supplement my income due to the fact that teaching really isn’t a lucrative profession. After much thought I have decided that I think that the school board should compensate me for services rendered. Out of the kindness of my own heart I have come to the conclusion that I won’t calculate delinquent charges and start fresh tomorrow.

Here are the things I am going to begin pie charting:

Bill for Services Rendered Key

Meetings:
Faculty meetings less than or equal to (1/2 hour)
$100

Faculty meetings longer than (1/2 hour)
$200 each extra half hour

Every word read off a hand out or PowerPoint Presentation (FYI: this is called time suckage and insulting*)
$250 dollars per word

Professional Development on something worthwhile+
$250

Professional Development on something worthless+
$1,000

Meeting during class period
$50

Meeting during planning period
$650

Parents:

Phone call to parents/guardians (standard call)
$5.99 Per Minute

Phone call to parents/ guardians (belligerent phone call*)
$299.99 (flat fee!)

Meeting with parent in person (standard)
$9.99 per minute

Meeting with parent in person (belligerent*)
$500 (flat fee!)

If a parent says, “You’re not even old enough to be a teacher!”
$35

Students:
Eating in the cafeteria with the students
$100 a day
-OR-
$50,000 flat rate
(You choose!!!)

Attending an assembly, rally, or student meeting during class time
$69.95

Attending an assembly, rally, or student meeting during planning period
$349.75

Student Fee
$10 a day times (x) number of students in classroom

Student transfer fee- From another teacher
$400

Student transfer fee- From another school
$800

If a student is rude (Facial expression) *+
$199 per incident

If a student is rude (Hand Gesture) *+
$295

If a student is rude (Body Language) *+
$350

If a student is rude (Noise) *+
$150

If a student is rude (Using his words) *+
$550

If a student is threatening *+
$2230.15

If a student whines
$50 first whine
$125 each additional whine

If a student steals a pencil
$1.25

If a student steals a pen
$2.75

Issuing a standardized test to a student
$120 per test + $75 per student

Field Trips:
Well planned field trip (less than or equal to 25 students)
$50

Well planned field trip (less than or equal to 50 students)
$100

Well planned field trip (less than or equal to 100 students)
$150

Well planned field trip (Every student over 100)
$50

Poorly planned field trip (less than or equal to 25 students)
$275

Poorly planned field trip (less than or equal to 50 students)
$350

Poorly planned field trip (less than or equal to 100 students)
$500

Poorly planned field trip (Every student over 100)
$75

Field trip from Hell+ (any number of students)
$5,000

Miscellaneous:
Chalk on clothing
$50 per chalking

Stepping in gum
$149.95

Inability to go to the bathroom as needed
$93.95

Inability to control the temperature of one’s classroom+
$12.95 per degree past or below comfortable- times (x) the number of minutes it is deemed uncomfortable

Being interrupted by the main office intercom
$29.99 per interruption

Being placed next to a loud or irresponsible teacher
$3,500

Being placed next to two or MORE loud or irresponsible teachers
$15,000

Reading emails from administrators
$40 an email

Surprise observations
$25

Surprise observations at 3:00pm on a Friday Afternoon
$525

Pain and Suffering:
Moments that are contain additional pain and suffering will be an extra charge on top of your original fee
$8,564

Footnote-
*indicates moments in which pain and suffering could come into play
+indicates when it is up to the teacher’s discretion to determine whether the incident requires compensation

Note: I will accept all major credit cards

All in all I think that this is an exceptional value!

Don’t you?